i went to a party and put 3 whole loaves of sliced bread all around the house i put bread under the kid’s pillow and in all 3 of his bathrooms, in his rugby shorts and the breast pocket of his school shirt, on his roof and his neighbor’s roof, in his couch and on his tv i’m laughing so hard he’s going to wake up hungover tomorrow and be like why the fuck is there bread everywhere
i’m pissing myself
i’ve always wanted to be one of those oversized sweater-wearing wavy haired bookish girls who drinks pumpkin lattes and takes walks through the leaves in their boots but in reality i’m a 18 ft five-headed firebreathing dragon and we don’t wear boots
how the pussy should be eaten:
- like it’ll pay off all their student loans.
- like the key to happiness is buried in there.
- like they’ll be granted a tax free life.
- like they heard the fountain of youth was in there.
- like it’ll grant you three wishes for whatever you heart desires.
- like its the last supper and you trying to be the 13th disciple.
all bugs can be organized into one of three categories: homies, chillers, and haters. hornets and wasps are haters. mosquitos are haters. most spiders are homies cuz they eat shitty bugs, some spiders are chillers cuz they dont really do anything, but also some spiders are…